Everyday they flood in, e.mails from music PR companies, “you’ll love this one”, or “this one is perfect for Organ”, they never are, they all get listened to, been clicking on links all morning, what is it with all this stuff? Stuff us what it is . Victorian Whore Dogs? How are you going to explain that name when you grow up?
And this one, the press release for this new album tell us “the upcoming album continues to resonate from US-based progressive shoegazers” what they mean is another generic bunch of we’ve got too many foot-peddles and no idea why those My Bloody Valentine records they desperately try to copy are so good, hey you “progressive shoegazers”, tell the rhythm-less idiot banging on a biscuit tin, hesitate on calling him or her a drummer, tell him or her that drum sound really isn’t helping the mood, “one of Colorado’s most exciting bands” apparently. Hang on here comes Hot Coffin, well at last they have a bit of attitude and if they’re going to have a car crash at least they’re having one worth watching “Triple Eye Industries is pleased to announce that they will release the Self-titled album of Milwaukee Noise/Sludge/Punk/Rock band Hot Coffin” reads the e.mail press release…
Oh dear, “Triple Eye Industries is a boutique record label, located in Milwaukee, WI, focusing on extreme, heavy noise rock and is a platform to release records for our and our friends’ bands”, Boutique record label! What the flip kind of talk is that!? Boutique?!&%$**** We can hear them grooming their damn beards from here, if I was in Hot Coffin I’d be around there with a baseball bat to re-arrange the way they’re thinking, “a boutique record label” for flip sake! Need to go lie down in a darkened room and listen to the Ruts for a moment
How now brown cow? On we go, trawling through the in-box mountain, “Hey, how are you today? Rising Halifax trio The Orielles are back with a new EP, Jobin, released 25th March via Art Is Hard, and live dates. Listen to the lead track below…” No! Next…. “Hey, New York-based producer/songwriter Penguin Prison (aka Chris Glover) has released Cesare’s remix of ‘Show Me The Way’ – the latest single co-written with…” No!!
Endless emails from endless pr people with endless “stuff” that sounds like all the other “stuff” and the NME apparently love it and Clash magazine are going to premier it and why isn’t any of it anywhere near any good? “Hey Sean, Happy Tuesday! I have Montreal’s BUFFALO THEORY MTL, a stoner / thrash infused metal band for beer lovers blah blah blah…..” Argghhhhhhh and “Hi! My name is A******* ******* and on february 29th, 2016 I will release a progressive rock concept album called “The Gardener”, a project that innovates with cuatro & ukulele as new tools for alternative sounds”, Well whoopyfluggingdo, good for you, here, have some more Ruts, have some dope for guns…….. “The Gardener” apparently contains a track called “The Crush: Eyes of Fire” – a track apparently awarded the Best Alternative Rock song award by “The Akademia Music Awards” on May, 2015″, Well whooopybleedindooooo again, the Akademia Music Awards! Whatever the flip that is I’d be keeping that one quiet if I were you…. I;d hate it anyone ever gave me something called an Akademia Music Award, where the hell is my sandpaper”!? Jezzzzzzzzz, just looked it up, what the hell is an Akademia Music Award? Looked it up in the interest in journalism you understand, I’d definitely be keeping that one quiet, what a bunch of corporate radio shyster shitehawks Akademia are! Whatever happened to music radio?here, have a John Peel session…. .
.We’re told that “the time is suddenly right for well-crafted British pop – there’s a thirst for new century psychedelia which is where London quintet….” Well maybe so, but hey, the time is not right for a watered down sanitised attitude-free bland-as-flip re-creation of the Stone Roses without even the vaguest hint of the magic… next….
“Hi there!” says this next chirpy press release “In case you missed it, here’s the latest record from Baklavaa. It’s an incredibly intense listen so if you fancy some punishing noise rock, give it a blast! And of course, feel free to pop some questions over for the band. Have a great day now”, Well it satisfied for the first thirty seconds, didn’t really go anywhere much, it didn’t help much in terms of “having a great day now”, it made us want some Jesus Lizard or some Creaming Jesus or jesus! Why do they fill the in-box with all this stuff? Where the hell is my sandpaper?I need some sandpaper! What the flip, My Vitriol posting some ten-year old demos as new music and crowdfunding a new album, surely not? Ain’t all that pass everyone’s sell by date? Next you’ll be telling us the Melody Maker still exists… I guess this Baklavaa lot aren’t that bad and if we hadn’t heard it all done a little bit better already then the claims that “Baklavaa are the forerunners of a new generation of noise-rock. Brought up on the neurotic and eccentric sounds of The Jesus Lizard, Slint and Sonic Youth, it is their turn to create a record that seeks to push these musical boundaries into new territory” might hold a little more than month-old ditch water. No boundary pushing here yet, threatening something next time maybe? Good declaration of intent? Best thing we’ve heard today by a very big country mile, heard most of what they’re doing before, but hey, at last something half decent in the inbox
Oh look, Damon Albarn has remixed something or other and apparently they want us to know it’s “‘Thrillingly malevolent and catchy…” well no, blandly polite and almost offensively so….next….
The Sherlocks have a new single, well no shit indeed, It might just be time to close the in-box, apparently, according to this e.mail press release The Sherlocks are “‘The UK’s next big rock band’ “, forgotten what the Sherlocks sound like already, blandola, instantly forgettable cardboard music, bland as a bland thing on a bland day, is this is the kind of crap self-confessed Arctic Monkey’s fans make? ““Remember when your bud tried to get you into Arctic Monkeys back in 2005 right before they broke big with Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not and you ignored them? Don’t let that happen again” whooooo, no,whatever you do, don’t let that happen! The Sherlocks? Nah! Don’t be remembering you read about them here…
Have some Vincent Vocoder Voice, this delicious thing came to our attention via a reader rather than the clutter of another annoying e.mail press release, don’t know much about Brighton’s Vincent Vocoder Voice, do rather like them/him/her though, this is gooooooooooood. Here, have a taste of something from 2014, apparently Vincent have just finished a new album…
“Hello, internet. I very much live in a bubble, have atrocious networking skills and know next to nothing about the world of other people’s music. VVV LP2 is almost finished and I’m wondering who on Earth might be interested in releasing such a thing. If you have any record label recommendations, know any management folks etc., please do share your thoughts. Would quite like not to shit this one up the wall, there’s a special kind of insanity to it. Thank You, VVV”
We’re out of here, delete everything….. more on those Steve Keene paintings…. more tomorrow, maybe?